What Happened to You?
Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing
Authored By: Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.
It’s with intention that this book is the first one highlighted on this blog. The principle of the book – a reframing of the question what’s wrong with you? to what happened to you? – was fixed in me through the events in my life and ultimately lead me to pursue the mission of this project. However, my perception of this concept’s value is not solely due to the part it’s played in my personal path to compassion. Through subsequent years of exploration, I have not come across another lever to the alleviation of suffering that is more direct and secular than this one.
In fact, I view the contents of this book to be so vital and universally beneficial that I think it’s necessary to first acknowledge that the title, namely the subtitle, likely discourages many from reading who could profit from the teaching. Although it does include wisdom surrounding the origins and effects of trauma and paths to move through them, one may read the title and turn away if one doesn’t feel particularly trauma-filled. This should not be the case.
Ultimately, what’s conveyed is that trauma covers far more ground than the grave, unforgettable trauma as most of us think about it. Dr. Perry describes that “…trauma can also arise from quieter, less obvious experiences, such as humiliation or shaming or other emotional abuse by parents, or the marginalization of a minority child in a majority community.” Zoomed out further, what I see as an even more accurate sum of the book is Dr. Perry’s remarks that “Your personal history—the people and places in your life—influences your brain’s development. The result is that each of our brains is unique. Our life experiences shape the way key systems in our brain organize and function. So, each of us sees and understands the world in a unique way.”
Therefore, even if we don’t feel that our life has been overly intense or decidedly painful, I see that this book can benefit everyone by helping us to evaluate our past experiences, benign or not, to give reasoning to our current states of mind. And, equally important, to view others through the same analysis.
Below, I’ll describe the book as it relates to Atma’s mission, to inspire and empower compassion, and then belabor the mass-relevance by noting three positions of people, outside of the title’s target of those with conscious trauma, and how the book may be of special value to them.
Overview and relevance to Atma’s mission:
Oprah and Dr. Perry use an easy-to-read conversation style to convey research findings in psychology and neuroscience along with anecdotes from their professional work and personal lives that point to the significance of shifting from the more reflexive question of what’s wrong with you? to the more skillful question of what happened to you?
Broadly, it’s described that what happened to you is made up of three variables that produce the primary effects on the inner and outer life of all people; genetics, timing and degree of adversity experienced, and history of relational health. When one unveils as much detail possible of these three aspects within oneself or someone trying to be understood, one may find that the space for judgment, hate, resentment, shame, guilt, and violence is decreased exponentially, if not eliminated. Even if we do not have access to these details, just knowing that they’re in play can have a similar effect.
My experience tells me that if one practices applying the suggested reframe of questioning in one’s mind and through one’s words, one will more easily recognize suffering, know that suffering is universal in the human experience, and empathize with it - the first three elements of compassion. This is required to move on to the final, more challenging components of compassion - to tolerate the feelings in oneself that arise from the resonance of suffering and then feel motivated to act. This work could sound daunting, but keep in mind that the result of compassion is the alleviation of suffering itself, simultaneously for oneself and those one touches; the essence of what all humans seek.
Dr. Perry gives a summary by writing, “…what has happened to us in the past shapes who we are, how we behave, and why we do the things we do. Through this lens we can build a renewed sense of personal self-worth and ultimately recalibrate our responses to circumstances, situations, and relationships. It is, in other words, the key to reshaping our very lives.”
Relevance to those preparing for parenthood and those with children:
The opening chapter is titled Making Sense of the World and describes the factors which develop the mind in infancy and early childhood. It explains that newborns come into life with an innate purity and that our worldview and internal life are disproportionately influenced by our circumstances of existence during the time in the womb and the first two months; nine months; and two years after being born. During each of these time periods, there are distinct effects due to the baby’s stage of physiological and neurological development.
For parents-to-be and parents of infants, this book can act as a piece of the caretaking guideline as it notes the crucial components for advantageous long-term health and development of a child. Preview: it’s all about undivided presence, physical touch, facilitating short and predictable stressors, and understanding that the child is absorbing and translating everything in their environment and throughout their experiences and non-experiences.
For parents of children over the age of two, outside of their most dense period of development, this knowledge can give reasoning to the child’s actions and help the parent to understand how to react with skill. For example, Dr. Perry notes, “For one child, eye contact means, I care for you; I’m interested in you. For another it may mean, I’m about to yell at you.” This quote is just one simplified example, but I can see that without the entirety of the information in this book, a parent could be unnecessarily confused or angered when their child reacts harshly to things that are seemingly non-threatening.
The data and stories within can help a parent understand that a child’s behaviors, no matter the age, are almost always a response to experiences or non-experiences they’ve endured, if not a simple need such as food, sleep, or warmth. As the book advocates, holding this in mind shifts the questioning from what is wrong with you? to what happened to them in the past that’s making them react this way?, what do they need to regulate in this moment?, and what can I do to help them heal? The first question is likely coupled with something like frustration and puts the onus on the child while the following set of questions brings curiosity and understanding to the child and situation. Compared to the former of blame and irritation, the latter of inquisitiveness and support has a greater chance to reveal truth and relieve suffering for both the parent and the child.
Those who feel discouraged, disgusted, frustrated, or ashamed by and/or resentful or hateful toward their own thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and/or general condition:
Why do we act in ways that create unfavorable outcomes for ourselves? If one assumes that we have full control - that is, free will (the supposed power or capacity of humans to make decisions or perform actions independently of any prior event or state of the universe) - why would we do or feel anything that causes trouble for ourselves? Sitting with these questions proves that there are variables outside of our control that give life to the contents of our minds, and consequently, our behaviors.
Without this understanding, we tend to blame and shame ourselves. Without exploring the roots of our consciousness, and even subconsciousness, we assume that we’re solely responsible for everything that arises within them. This is an unfair and unnecessary weight to bear. This book can help the reader grasp the actual influences on our internal world and that which materializes from it, subsequently producing an understanding of oneself and the potential to realize compassion and act to reduce suffering.
When we comprehend that our thoughts, emotions, and actions are born directly from what has happened to us, or the experiences and non-experiences of our past along with our genetics and relational history, it can dull the blade of shame, resentment, judgment, hate, and other unhelpful mental positions aimed toward oneself.
Dr. Perry writes; “I can’t tell you how many people feel incredibly relieved when they get an explanation of how their brain is working, and why. We don’t give them a psychiatric label. We’re just saying this is the way you’re organized and it’s absolutely predictable based upon what happened to you.”
It’s not just thoughts, emotions, and actions that are affected by our genetics, relational history, and the unavoidable realities of our early lives either; conditions and incidents of the body and mind such as anxiety, depression, asthma, stroke, heart disease, and diabetes are in play and addressed in the book as well.
As we grow this knowledge of how our brain and body are working and why, we can become gentler and more forgiving of what’s happening internally and how it shows itself externally, empowering us to make skillful efforts toward more favorable outcomes for ourselves and those in our spheres. The purpose here is not to give excuses for what’s harmful, but rather, explanations, and this delineation has a significant effect on our self-treatment, and ultimately, our entire human experience.
Those angered, confused, or sprung into contempt, dehumanization, self-righteousness, and/or hatred by experiencing other’s thoughts, emotions, actions, and/or general condition:
All of what’s noted above about ourselves is true for all others, but conceivably more challenging to reckon with. If one absorbs the content of this book, one may begin to look back at the history of our species as a whole, one’s far ancestors, grandparents, parents, and especially one’s own life to give some explanation to one’s internal experience and how one reacts through words and actions. However, one will never be able to do the same with as much truth and accuracy for another person.
Perhaps the most simplified explanation of the entire book is when Dr. Perry writes that, “Senseless behavior makes sense once you look at what is behind it.” I would argue that this basic description tells us exactly why we’re more confused by and critical of the behaviors of those whose lives we have little or no access to; we cannot look at what’s behind it.
Even if one has complete access to someone who appears entirely open and honest, one will never know the depth of their self-exploration or that they’re disclosing all details of their inner and outer life. In addition, I think it’s rare, if not impossible, for us to recall and interpret the experiences of our time in the womb and the first two years after being born which have an immense effect on our worldview, deep-seated biases, and how we behave. This is to say that the effect of these periods can never be accurately traced, leaving a missing puzzle piece in the maps of all our lives.
At first, this could sound discouraging, but recognizing the truth that we can never fully know all details of the three variables - genetics, timing and degree of adversity experienced, and history of relational health - that affect the behavior in question is actually a key to internal shifts from bewilderment, hatred, judgment, disgust, etc. to curiosity, understanding, sympathy, empathy, and ultimately, compassion. Acknowledging the inevitable lack of information, we must accept uncertainty and know that if not something we can point to, there is still an unavoidable origin of the perspective, words, or action in question.
The recognition of missing pieces of the map urges a paramount separation of the person from their behavior. As Mahatma Gandhi concurs in his autobiography, “Man and his deed are two distinct things. It is quite proper to resist and attack a system, but to resist and attack its author is tantamount to resisting and attacking oneself.” In other words, when harm is being created, we must not judge, shame, or torment the actor, but rather, show radical care to them in a way that will prevent the damage from repeating while simultaneously fighting against the negative result of their behavior. I find this realization to be one of the most impactful outcomes of digesting the contents of this book, with the potential to relieve suffering for both the reader and all whom they interact with.
I recommend either of the following podcast episodes if you’d like to hear the authors discuss the book:
